Fat to Fit

A blog about weightloss & self discorvery

ready to be done

I’m so ready for this school thing to be over, I am completely checked out.

I know I need to be present, and I should be enjoying this.. but I’m not.

With Dad passing away and Mom having been sick and just the bull crap.. I’m over it.

 

Last nigh for the first time I thought about something Dad would think was hilarious.. I don’t even remember what it was… but I picked up the phone to call him and then remembered I couldn’t. So I cried instead and then I posted an awesome picture of him when he was just a little boy to Facebook.  I love this picture.. 

So I’m trying to keep busy and get through this school thing.. then I have to decide if I want to try to get my old job back, since they are hiring.. or if I want to roll the dice and take my chances with the teaching thing when I know this industry is down. I can’t decide… on one hand.. it would be great to be making money (and have benefits) again.. like right away,  not to mention I know the job and I know (and like) the people.  On the other hand.. it feels like it’s going backwards. Plus you tend to get complacent (and therefor lazy) in a job.. so you don’t look as hard.

time will tell..

 

until next time.. Peace and love

Jess

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The blog post I never wanted to write

It’s so painful that I don’t know where to begin or frankly if I have the words to convey the pain, sorrow, and.. oh the words don’t come.

Dad died Wednesday afternoon.

I want to say something that can tell  you how much he meant to me and how I will miss him forever. I want to say something that can make you feel like you missed out by not knowing my amazing father.

The words I have are insufficient.

 

So I’ll just say that I love you dad.. now and always.

 

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Master the Met & life happenings

It’s been awhile yeah?  totally..I’ve been overworked and overwhelmed but more than that I’ve been bummed out.

Leaving my job was not hard to do really..I didn’t like it, but leaving the people behind.. well that was a different story.  I know that we can spend time together still but it’s just not the same.  I miss their daily companionship.

The Rose losing her nephew.. sucks.  Now dad has to go for round 2 of his own chemo. They also put a tube into his lung so he could drain off  the fluid that keeps building himself. Yes that is as disgusting and painful as it sounds.  But what’s worse is that he’s sort of counting himself out.  He needs faith and courage to beat this stoopid cancer.  I couldn’t help the Rose and no matter how I try I can’t seem to help him.

I started the 4th grade and some days I feel like this is a big mistake. I’m spending 12 hr days at school and then coming home to work basically until I fall asleep.  I’m told to use my teacher and her ideas as a resource, but then I’m told that I am relying on her ideas too much.  I’m told that I’m too friendly and fun with the kids on one visit and another I’m told that I’m too strict. I know that it’s all about making me the best teacher I can be, but all of the criticism is starting to wear a little thin especially when I’m working my butt off and not getting paid to do it.

Speaking of my butt…. I’m still SLOWLY losing weight. I’m down to 258 right now. I have not been able to work an exercise routine into my every day and that sucks. I hate it. I need to make time for me and my goals. Life shouldn’t be just about lesson planning and grading papers.

 

I also did Master the Met in downtown St. Louis. I had a great time!  My last training time was 35 minutes and so I wanted to be under 30 minutes for the real deal… well I wasn’t. I was sick as a dog and almost didn’t go, but no way  I was missing an American Lung Association event. This was for Dad!  We had over 1400 people climb that day. Most in good shape.. so not (like me) when I  got to the starting line  I was excited. They made it very competitive, so I was pumped to go.  Unfortunately that meant that I wasn’t keeping my pace and was ready to quit by floor 15.  But the t-shirt was at the top of the event and I was getting that shirt :)

I stopped on floor 29 for a long time. They had a fan, I drank some water and felt much better.  I kept on going  and finally made it to the top at  54 minutes. Of  the 1400 people that finished the race (some did not)  came in 1400th place.  lol

Next year I plan to be on a team and have  a much better time. I’m looking for 15 minutes next year.. which is still nothing when you consider the winner of the event finished in under 5 minutes!

I’m hoping spring break will help get me outta my funk.  I still have a lot of work to do during break, BUT I’m going for a nice massage, getting some exercise in and just relaxing.

 

hope spring break finds you well

~peace & love

Jess

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Another update on the Rose

Jake passed away  early Friday morning. We all knew that his time here would be ending soon and we’re all happy(poor word choice)  that he is not suffering and can finally be at peace.  But we’re sad for those he has left behind.  Never being a mother, I can’t imagine how the Rose’s sister must feel… or how she will ever fix the gaping whole in her heart.

I hope that with his passing she and the rest of the family can finally mourn, grieve, and heal.

please pray for Jake’s mom and the rest of the family. God grant them peace.

 

~ Jess

 

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An update on the Rose

I came back from a day off yesterday to a CaringBridge update and another talk with the Rose.  things are not looking good for her sweet nephew. ..

They have stopped treatments and he has not been eating.  Jake is on morphine to ease the pain and is able to rest comfortably. Between the morphine and the cancer, Jake is asleep 20+ hrs a  day.

Hospice care thinks he has another couple of weeks left at best.

Frankly I’m at a cross roads. I don’t want Jake to suffer and he’s not living any kind of life that I would wish on my worst enemy. I want his suffering to be over. I would prefer for everyone’s sake that his suffering ends with winning the fight against cancer!  I don’t want to count the kid out but he’s having a hard time right now.

Please continue to pray for Jake and his wonderful family.. to help them get through this dark and painful part of their lives. Give them strength and love to see them through.

~Peace & Love

Jess

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The Rose’s Nephew

I know I just posted, but I have something to get off my heart.  I was talking to the Rose this morning… sometimes I try not to ask her about her nephew because I know she’ll be upset.. not with me, just heart broken over his situation, but we fell naturally into it this morning.

I should back up. I met the Rose the day I started my current job. She & I started the same day.   THE Rose as Rob & I like to call her is a sweet lady. While she says she’s 27, with children in their 30′s I’m pretty sure that’s not possible .. but who am I to make such judgements :)

She was laid off of her job of 27 years (she must have been born there!)  and had to start fresh at TE.  The Rose had to overcome her own fears of inadequacy as well as fighting countless numbers of people who were unnecessarily mean to her every day, acting as though she didn’t belong (she did obviously belong)

Once the negativity lessened, the Rose began to thrive and her confidence built. She is a force to be reckoned with.. let me tell ya!

The Rose & I sat side by side for 2 years of my employment.. early on, we shared the same desk as we waited for permanent placement. I first learned, right along with the Rose that her 15 year old nephew  had been diagnosed with a rare cancer early in our time together. She wept openly and I would always try to console her- failing miserably because there is no consolation for that type of pain.

After his first year of hell, the Rose’s nephew was in  remission and life was wonderful. We praised God for giving him the strength and healing that he so desperately needed.

It was a short lived celebration.

Within months his cancer was back and more aggressive.  We are going into year 3 of his cancer treatment. Every time they get rid of one tumor it would seem that several more pop up in a new location. He has gone through surgeries, been in and out of the hospital. Stuck in ICU for fluid building up around his lungs.. then another trip back for fluid building up around his heart.

Essentially his entire high school career has been spent fighting cancer. The Rose’s nephew is a senior now, and will walk with his class in May! However, he’s in pain and they are at the end of their treatment options. He has not given up and though I’ve never met him. I know from the stories I’ve heard, his sense of humor and determination are unwavering.

I hate this! Stupid cancer.  It’s bad enough you are trying to steal this wonderful young man away from his family. It’s an atrocity that you are hell bent on torturing him and his family while you do it.

I want so badly to help.. to ease their suffering, but I know there’s nothing I can do other than to pray… and ask for help.

So I’m putting this out there for the universe.. we need healing and we need it immediately (sooner really)! While I know your prayer list may be long, please keep the Rose’s nephew and his family in your prayers.

~peace & love

Jess

fyi.. since I am not a family member & didn’t ask permission to post the message that was on my heart, I didn’t feel right about giving out the names of the family… God will know who you mean to pray for :)

 

 

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Are you excited?

I am getting that question a lot lately with my  departure date nearing.  I know the answer they are expecting is yes… but they aren’t seeing the big picture.

I’m quitting my paying  job to PAY SEVERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS to go work harder than I ever have for FREE for the next 16 weeks.. with NO PROMISE of employment at the end of that time.. and did I mention the overwhelming student loan that will be looming overhead.. and that as a household of 1..there will be zero income entering my household?  Yeah.. it’s like that

Excited isn’t the proper adjective. I am  scared.. nervous…petrified.. and maybe a little crazy :) But yes I’m also a teeny bit excited. I am READY to try something new. I’m READY to be done with this Master’s program.. and I’m READY to start my career as a elementary school teacher .. I’m ready to put all the theory I’ve learned into practice and see what works for me  in my classroom with my students.

No guts, no glory right?

 

~peace & love

Jess

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Sore Legs

As we talked about in the last blog, I did a Master the Met practice climb last Saturday.  It took my legs a full week to recover from climbing 24 flights and so I’ve been afraid to practice again.  Today I went to Queeny Tower and climbed 21 flights. My legs feel fantastic! I felt like I could go another 21.  So what’s the difference?

Well last week was my first real training day, soreness is natural.  This week I stopped and stretched after every few flights and after.. whereas last week, I only stretched slightly after.  STRETCHING MATTERS! Finally last week I did not have any water with me or any way to get it, this week I had a 16oz bottle and drank from it often.  Keeping hydrated also matters.

I didn’t feel like I was going to vomit 1/2 way through like I did last time. I also beat my time by 20 minutes.

Last week I also went to Bollywood Shuffle,  Zumba, and walked the treadmill at lunch.

I tracked my food, and stayed in control.

It payed off! I had a weight loss of 3.6lbs this week, getting me down to 263lbs.  :)

It amazes me that while I was so hesitant to do the stairs today, I feel so good after. I feel proud of my accomplishment and I have tons of energy. My body is practically vibrating with energy. Note to self, don’t let fear stand in the way of your dreams.

~peace & love

Jess

 

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Master the Met

A while back I was talked into doing the Master the Met Stair Climb challenge in St. Louis. I know that at 260lbs that climbing up 42 flights of stairs is more than just challenging.. it’s pretty darned crazy… just sayin. But it supports the American Lung Association and with Dad recovering from lung cancer, let’s just say it has a near and dear place in my heart. I also love a challenge.

The climb is in March and they have 2 practice climbs. One was Saturday, the other is in one month. I went Saturday as day 1 of my training for this horrible idea. I was feeling apprehensive about it, but I had decided that this time around I was “only” climbing 21 flights of the 42 and it didn’t matter how fast I went, I just needed to complete my goal.

In the lobby, I was told to surrender my keys and they would be waiting for me at Iron Works gym on the 9th floor after I was done. I was reluctant, but I did surrender them. I started my climb. I made it 8 flights and needed a 2 minute rest. Then I stopped for 2 minutes every 2-3 flights of stairs. I really needed some water, but couldn’t exit the stairwell to get it and forgot my bottle in the car. I think I’ll wear my camelbak next month.

Around fl 16 I felt like I was going to vomit and stopped for about 5 minutes to ease my stomach. I could no longer hear the foot steps of the others ahead of me and I was pretty sure everyone else had finished already. It doesn’t matter.. I’m only racing myself.

I carried on. Finally I got to 21 and said I needed to go one more flight.. just so I could say I made it over 1/2 way. :) I got to fl 22 and tried the door.. it was locked! I went up 2 more trying each door.. they were all locked! I grumbled and considered my options. I decided I did not have another day to finish (ok so I exaggerate).

I decided to take my wobbly legs down the stairs. Going down the stairs is considerably easier than going up. It really is just controlled falling. Even still I held on to both rails and guided myself down… thinking the whole time that we should be mastering the met from the top down… that’s something I could get with! I checked each door… When I arrived at the 9th floor–where I was to retrieve my keys– I thought for certain THAT door would be unlocked! sadly no, it wasn’t. I walked back down to the lobby and then rode the elevator back up to the 9th floor where the unthinkable happened.

I walked into the gym where the employee looked at me and said “what are you doing here? ”

“I’m here to pick up my keys”, I replied. “The lady took them from me and said they would be here.”

“ohhhh she left. why did you give her your keys? EVERYONE is already gone. You were STILL climbing. She must have forgotten about you. Who’s idea was it for you to do this? Why would YOU do this?”

In disbelief and trying to maintain my composure while I can barely stand I reply, “I need my keys, they are supposed to be here. What does my signing up for this event have anything to do with why my keys are not here? You better call somebody.”

him: It has everything to do with your keys. You are in no shape to do this event. You have NO BUSINESS doing this.”

me (ready to go bat crap crazy): “look, I just need my keys, and I’m not leaving until I get them. So you need to do something.” Sits down and proceeds to stretch and ignore the rest of his rudeness before I rip his arm off and use it to beat him within an inch of his life. Occasionally glaring at him until he shuts the #@%# up.

him: “I left a message for the owner, she should come back after she realizes she still has your keys. I’m really sorry about this, I was just leaving for the day but I’ll come back later and make sure you’re ok. Do you need to use my phone to call anyone?”

Me (fuming): “No thank you. I’ll be here until she returns my keys.. so maybe I’ll see you on Monday.”

About 15 minutes later I learned that security had my keys and I was off.. never to hear from the boss. I did however take the time to write an angry email to her talking about her employees attitude.

Ok I GET IT..I am really overweight and this would be challenging for even a fit person. I also get that it’s 2 days later and my calves are killing me. But really… it’s none of his business why I’m doing this challenge… and I don’t have to answer to him. Also I already had doubts about if I would be able to do this stair challenge… I was afraid and I didn’t need any naysayers filling me with MORE doubt and negativity… I have enough of all of that on my own.

Now I have more purpose in this challenge… now I have the opportunity to shove it in some random mean guys face that my 260lb body can and will do this challenge.. and I’ll rock it. Screw you mean guy!

P.S. I have belonged to several gyms over my many years alive.. this was the ONLY time that ANYONE has EVER been rude to me at a gym. No one is looking at you, they are busy doing what they need to do to get into shape. Don’t let that negative voice in your own head make you think that people are silently judging you. Just get off your butt and do what you need to do.

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2012

I haven’t posted in awhile.. I know shocking right? HA!

Truthfully I have been completely overwhelmed. Dad was in the hospital and we were going back and forth.. I took Mom to the emergency room 4 times in 3 weeks and thwarted 2 other attempts. Then I was taking 2 accelerated classes while working full time and trying to have a life.

Frankly by the time I got some free time I just wanted to lay on the couch and eat cheetos… and that is just what I did.

I have great news on the Mom & Dad front.. both are feeling much better and have managed to stay out of the hospital for months. Dad’s tumor continues to shrink and  Mom says she feels like she  is 40 years old again.

I finished both classes with A’s.. my 4.0 remains in tact. I’m 3 weeks from quitting my job and 3 weeks and 1 day from  starting student teaching (I’m so prepared to freak out now)

Rob & I are going strong.. he celebrated Christmas eve with my family.. and then we went on Christmas and celebrated with his. I love that man more and more each day.

I’m struggling in the weight-loss category. I’m at 266.4 at last weigh in.   But I’m exercising again and  struggling to eat better.  I am getting back into the swing of things and I have a goal to be under 200 by 12/31/12 (totally doable).

I long to make art and so I’ve given myself a goal of making at least  2 pieces of original art this year.

Did I mention I’m doing the Master the Met Stair Climb in St. Louis in  March? I’m scared but excited!  And it’s to support the American Lung Association so you know I’m all about that!  My first practice climb is this weekend… will letcha know how it goes!

finally all of my readers of zero.. I plan on blogging more.. I can’t say how much more because life is what it is and blogging should happen naturally, but I will not deny you my ramblings.

Now time to hit the treadmill.. it’s a beautiful day

 

~Peace & Love ~

Jess

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