Fat to Fit

There’s no easy way to put this.. so I’ll just blurt it out.. my  ex-sister-in-law tried to kill herself today by taking an unknown amount of  pills. She’s in the hospital recovering. Thank  God her current Boyfriend got the kids out of the house before she could traumatize them. I’m so sad and angry at this .. I don’t really know how to process the information.

She had texted me on  Friday to see if I wanted to go to the movies with her and my niece which I didn’t see until today.. then I missed 3 calls from her today  all within seconds apart.. no message. I feel guilty.. like maybe I could have done/said something to help her.. but damn it.. it’s not my job to keep you alive. This is just like in high school when I would have to wrestle razor blades away from a friend when her newest boyfriend broke up with her (and the breakups happened often)

OK so all of my no readers (mainly because I don’t blog regularly.. I know) I feel like you need some back story….

My bro and SIL were married for about 8-9 years. She was strong, capable and clearly wore the pants… but there was always something off. When she was good .. she was good.. when she was having a bad moment.. no one could do anything right. Like the time their “whole vacation was ruined because my brother forgot to pack the  Sunny D” or she was furious with me because one time I sat in “her” chair at the dinner table which was completely disrespectful.  Even though she had these bad moments, we would still hang out because she’s a good person and I liked her. For the record I still do like her.

A year or so before she and my brother split, things were getting worse. She was tired of always being responsible for everyone and everything. She started staying out drinking and partying. Then she cheated on my brother and that was the end of their marriage. It’s clear that they both still love each other, but have fucked each other over so much now that neither one can forgive the other.  (excuse my language)

After the split I still tried to hang with her, but I pulled away. Not out of loyalty to my brother– he had no problem with me being her friend– but because I could not watch her self destruct night after night. As far as I’m concerned, if you have to get wasted to have a good time, then there is something clearly wrong in your life and I don’t want to see you hurt yourself.

I do still love and care for her.  Mom, SIL, Niece and I all went out recently to  a local festival and had a great time. I loved chatting with her and I do want to spend time with all of them again. I just can’t be party to self destruction.

I understand frustration and sadness.. I’m a a260lb woman of course I know sadness. I just don’t see any reason at all to try to take your own life– whether it be for attention (like my friend in high school) or sadness/desperation like so many others.  Things always get better if you just let them.

I want to be there for her.. I just can’t make her problem my problem.  I hope she finds peace and healing.

that’s all folks, I just needed to get this off my chest.

peace and love

Jess

I’ve missed art, A lot. I feel like I’ve been putting it off saying oh well I can start Monday.. like a diet & exercise plan that never comes, I was always waiting for something.

Waiting for what? for life to be perfect? To magically find time? This is just another form of procrastination and I’m so tired of procrastination.  It’s not going to get easier, much like exercising I just need to do it. So I am! I am starting a photography venture as well as making an encaustic art tribute to my dad.  I am so excited, I’ll share more of the encaustic as well as my web page for my new venture next time.. but for now I just wanted to share a couple of photos from a recent shoot that I am in love with… there will be more on my site and I intend on posting more pictures here simply because I love it.

Until next time.. peace & love ~Jess

I don’t really know what to title this blog, I’m hoping that a title will come to me as I type.

I here these two comments a lot in Weight Watcher meetings.  1. I’m not doing this for vanity, I’m doing it for my health. 2. I struggle with eating well because I have junk food around the house for my loved ones.

I don’t understand the messed up logic.

First and foremost let me just scream from the rafters for you.. WOO HOO! You’re losing weight to be healthy.. You get it.. You freakin ROCK!! While yes I’m sure that a lot of those ladies and Gents would also love to look hot naked (uh who wouldn’t??), the fact that they are acknowledging that they need to get healthy means that they understand the bigger picture… it’s about living people!

But then something is just messed up because  you are serving your loved ones junk food? I don’t get it.

Ok so the logic is that they maybe don’t need to lose weight.  Agreed, not everyone needs to lose weight.. but  remember this isn’t really about losing weight, it’s about being healthy. Don’t you want the people you love to be healthy so they can be with you for a long long time? Don’t you want to encourage your children, grandchildren, husbands, significant others.. or even your favorite house guest to have healthy eating and exercise habits?  Don’t they deserve to be healthy just like you?

Right about now you’re probably cursing me and telling me to get off my high horse that it’s simply not that black and white. I’m not saying that you can’t ever offer those you love a snickers bar, I’m just saying there are other healthy options out there and you need to set an example.

You might say but kids won’t eat healthy. There is some truth to that but you would be surprised what you can get a kid to eat (and love) without their knowledge. It’s all about the smoke and mirrors baby!

A case in  point for you…. I recently attended an 11 year old birthday party and I wanted to bring something that would be eaten (and loved) but not so terribly bad for you. So I made from scratch Black Bean Brownies.  Whole wheat flour, egg-less, oil-less , but nevertheless delicious! I took  what equaled about 50 brownies that were full of fiber, protein, and healthy grains (a little too much white sugar, but you can’t have everything) and I am here to tell you that I came home with an empty brownie container!  Did I tell the kids they were good for you– uh NO!  I told the kids I brought brownies and they loved them!

So yeah I’m a little on a high horse I suppose, but what I’m trying to tell you is that with a little extra care you can show your family and friends that you love them without feeding them junk.. it’s a win win baby!

until next time… Peace & Love ~Jess

With Dad passing away, I’ve been sort of.. lost. I want to do something that will keep his spirit alive and help rid the world of the plague that we call cancer. I think I have have come up with a great solution.

I have decided to sell Thirty-One products and give a portion of every sale I make to The American Cancer Society, dad’s favorite charity. The reasons I chose Thirty-One instead of a multitude of other direct sales companies out there are many. First and foremost I love the product! These bags, purses and totes make organizing your life  (and house) so much easier! I also love that they believe in giving back as well. I wanted to be involved with a company that thinks of others and reaches out to them.

I’m very excited to take this next step and see where it takes me. I can’t wait to be able to not only participate in events to raise awareness and funds for cancer research but to also give them a check monthly to show my on going support.

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to drop me a line. You can also check out my site at  JessicaHankins.com which will tell you more about the company, monthly specials, and will link you to my Thirty-one store front. Also if you would like to host a party and enjoy earning FREE products,talk to me! I would love to hear from you

Until then may  you and the ones you love be blessed with peace, happiness, and good health

Jess

I’m so ready for this school thing to be over, I am completely checked out.

I know I need to be present, and I should be enjoying this.. but I’m not.

With Dad passing away and Mom having been sick and just the bull crap.. I’m over it.

Last nigh for the first time I thought about something Dad would think was hilarious.. I don’t even remember what it was… but I picked up the phone to call him and then remembered I couldn’t. So I cried instead and then I posted an awesome picture of him when he was just a little boy to Facebook.  I love this picture.. 

So I’m trying to keep busy and get through this school thing.. then I have to decide if I want to try to get my old job back, since they are hiring.. or if I want to roll the dice and take my chances with the teaching thing when I know this industry is down. I can’t decide… on one hand.. it would be great to be making money (and have benefits) again.. like right away,  not to mention I know the job and I know (and like) the people.  On the other hand.. it feels like it’s going backwards. Plus you tend to get complacent (and therefor lazy) in a job.. so you don’t look as hard.

time will tell..

until next time.. Peace and love

Jess

It’s so painful that I don’t know where to begin or frankly if I have the words to convey the pain, sorrow, and.. oh the words don’t come.

Dad died Wednesday afternoon.

I want to say something that can tell  you how much he meant to me and how I will miss him forever. I want to say something that can make you feel like you missed out by not knowing my amazing father.

The words I have are insufficient.

So I’ll just say that I love you dad.. now and always.

It’s been awhile yeah?  totally..I’ve been overworked and overwhelmed but more than that I’ve been bummed out.

Leaving my job was not hard to do really..I didn’t like it, but leaving the people behind.. well that was a different story.  I know that we can spend time together still but it’s just not the same.  I miss their daily companionship.

The Rose losing her nephew.. sucks.  Now dad has to go for round 2 of his own chemo. They also put a tube into his lung so he could drain off  the fluid that keeps building himself. Yes that is as disgusting and painful as it sounds.  But what’s worse is that he’s sort of counting himself out.  He needs faith and courage to beat this stoopid cancer.  I couldn’t help the Rose and no matter how I try I can’t seem to help him.

I started the 4th grade and some days I feel like this is a big mistake. I’m spending 12 hr days at school and then coming home to work basically until I fall asleep.  I’m told to use my teacher and her ideas as a resource, but then I’m told that I am relying on her ideas too much.  I’m told that I’m too friendly and fun with the kids on one visit and another I’m told that I’m too strict. I know that it’s all about making me the best teacher I can be, but all of the criticism is starting to wear a little thin especially when I’m working my butt off and not getting paid to do it.

Speaking of my butt…. I’m still SLOWLY losing weight. I’m down to 258 right now. I have not been able to work an exercise routine into my every day and that sucks. I hate it. I need to make time for me and my goals. Life shouldn’t be just about lesson planning and grading papers.

I also did Master the Met in downtown St. Louis. I had a great time!  My last training time was 35 minutes and so I wanted to be under 30 minutes for the real deal… well I wasn’t. I was sick as a dog and almost didn’t go, but no way  I was missing an American Lung Association event. This was for Dad!  We had over 1400 people climb that day. Most in good shape.. so not (like me) when I  got to the starting line  I was excited. They made it very competitive, so I was pumped to go.  Unfortunately that meant that I wasn’t keeping my pace and was ready to quit by floor 15.  But the t-shirt was at the top of the event and I was getting that shirt

I stopped on floor 29 for a long time. They had a fan, I drank some water and felt much better.  I kept on going  and finally made it to the top at  54 minutes. Of  the 1400 people that finished the race (some did not)  came in 1400th place.  lol

Next year I plan to be on a team and have  a much better time. I’m looking for 15 minutes next year.. which is still nothing when you consider the winner of the event finished in under 5 minutes!

I’m hoping spring break will help get me outta my funk.  I still have a lot of work to do during break, BUT I’m going for a nice massage, getting some exercise in and just relaxing.

hope spring break finds you well

~peace & love

Jess

Jake passed away  early Friday morning. We all knew that his time here would be ending soon and we’re all happy(poor word choice)  that he is not suffering and can finally be at peace.  But we’re sad for those he has left behind.  Never being a mother, I can’t imagine how the Rose’s sister must feel… or how she will ever fix the gaping whole in her heart.

I hope that with his passing she and the rest of the family can finally mourn, grieve, and heal.

please pray for Jake’s mom and the rest of the family. God grant them peace.

~ Jess

I came back from a day off yesterday to a CaringBridge update and another talk with the Rose.  things are not looking good for her sweet nephew. ..

They have stopped treatments and he has not been eating.  Jake is on morphine to ease the pain and is able to rest comfortably. Between the morphine and the cancer, Jake is asleep 20+ hrs a  day.

Hospice care thinks he has another couple of weeks left at best.

Frankly I’m at a cross roads. I don’t want Jake to suffer and he’s not living any kind of life that I would wish on my worst enemy. I want his suffering to be over. I would prefer for everyone’s sake that his suffering ends with winning the fight against cancer!  I don’t want to count the kid out but he’s having a hard time right now.

Please continue to pray for Jake and his wonderful family.. to help them get through this dark and painful part of their lives. Give them strength and love to see them through.

~Peace & Love

Jess

I know I just posted, but I have something to get off my heart.  I was talking to the Rose this morning… sometimes I try not to ask her about her nephew because I know she’ll be upset.. not with me, just heart broken over his situation, but we fell naturally into it this morning.

I should back up. I met the Rose the day I started my current job. She & I started the same day.   THE Rose as Rob & I like to call her is a sweet lady. While she says she’s 27, with children in their 30′s I’m pretty sure that’s not possible .. but who am I to make such judgements

She was laid off of her job of 27 years (she must have been born there!)  and had to start fresh at TE.  The Rose had to overcome her own fears of inadequacy as well as fighting countless numbers of people who were unnecessarily mean to her every day, acting as though she didn’t belong (she did obviously belong)

Once the negativity lessened, the Rose began to thrive and her confidence built. She is a force to be reckoned with.. let me tell ya!

The Rose & I sat side by side for 2 years of my employment.. early on, we shared the same desk as we waited for permanent placement. I first learned, right along with the Rose that her 15 year old nephew  had been diagnosed with a rare cancer early in our time together. She wept openly and I would always try to console her- failing miserably because there is no consolation for that type of pain.

After his first year of hell, the Rose’s nephew was in  remission and life was wonderful. We praised God for giving him the strength and healing that he so desperately needed.

It was a short lived celebration.

Within months his cancer was back and more aggressive.  We are going into year 3 of his cancer treatment. Every time they get rid of one tumor it would seem that several more pop up in a new location. He has gone through surgeries, been in and out of the hospital. Stuck in ICU for fluid building up around his lungs.. then another trip back for fluid building up around his heart.

Essentially his entire high school career has been spent fighting cancer. The Rose’s nephew is a senior now, and will walk with his class in May! However, he’s in pain and they are at the end of their treatment options. He has not given up and though I’ve never met him. I know from the stories I’ve heard, his sense of humor and determination are unwavering.

I hate this! Stupid cancer.  It’s bad enough you are trying to steal this wonderful young man away from his family. It’s an atrocity that you are hell bent on torturing him and his family while you do it.

I want so badly to help.. to ease their suffering, but I know there’s nothing I can do other than to pray… and ask for help.

So I’m putting this out there for the universe.. we need healing and we need it immediately (sooner really)! While I know your prayer list may be long, please keep the Rose’s nephew and his family in your prayers.

~peace & love

Jess

fyi.. since I am not a family member & didn’t ask permission to post the message that was on my heart, I didn’t feel right about giving out the names of the family… God will know who you mean to pray for